October, 2008  - Eid Edition of Muslim Link

Recently, I was conversing with a Muslim lady outside a local Mosque who asked me for a prayer time calendar which I was able to find and give to her. She quickly realized that I was a convert to Islam and eventually built up the courage to ask me if I knew someone as she was lonely and would like to have a husband as she had no family here in Canada. She informed me she was 40 years old. She asked me over and over again not to tell anyone about her request and I promised to respect her privacy. My heart went out to this lady who was of the sweetest disposition and of lovely countenance. She carried herself with dignity and respect  and I thought to myself, upon my first impression,  that any man would be most fortunate to have such a life companion.

Sadly, many women in our community are in a similar position as the sister above.   They are observant Muslims, of excellent character, physically attractive and quite accomplished in their chosen field of work, yet they remain unmarried. I know for a fact many of these sisters would like to find a spouse but feel because they are considered to be older (mid 30s or early 40s) that their possibilities of finding a life partner are limited.

Can somebody please tell me how have we come to a state of affairs where we consider someone as young as 30 to be old?  And how is it that Muslim men can openly express their wish to be married, but a Muslim  woman have to approach the topic - if she does so at all -  walking on eggshells for fear that she will be looked down upon? Why cannot a Muslim woman approach a Muslim man and express an interest in marriage yet a Muslim man is free to do so?  And why is there this continued insistence that the woman must be younger than the man?

I remind my readers that Khadijah bint al-Khuwaylid was 40 years old and the Prophet Muhammad was 25 when she proposed to him via an intermediary friend of hers named Nufaysa bint Umayyah and the Prophet accepted because he saw that she was a good woman. It was her excellent character and not her age that was the Prophet's main consideration when deciding to accept Khadijah's proposal. But would this happen today? I'm afraid not, because we consider ourselves holier than even the Prophet and his beloved wife. Today, Muslim women never feel the freedom to approach a brother she is attracted to -  for fear of appearing loose - and Muslim men would never think of marrying someone older than themselves, even if the age difference is a few years.

So many good women remain single and Muslim men miss out on an opportunity to have an excellent wife who has a little more life experience and thus something extra to offer in the marriage.

Many sisters are turning to the internet via matrimonial websites in order to find a suitable spouse but there are many pitfalls in taking this route. Sadly, on such websites we find men pretending to be women, married people fooling around behind their spouse's backs, and people who are just being nosy and snooping around. There are no real safeguards on these websites and for every success story there are a plethora of horror stories where sisters find themselves harassed or victims of misrepresentation.

So what do I tell the sister I mentioned above? I'm afraid that unless attitudes in our community change there is going to be a huge increase in people like her who would like to have a life companion but are forced to live alone.

As always, I appreciate your feedback and questions. I can be reached at: yahyaottawa@gmail.com