Half Your Deen

A monthly advice column for newly- weds on how to maintain marital bliss and success, by Yahya Abdul Rahman.

Why Do Men Get Cold Feed? The Case Of "Nuptial-Phobia."

October, 2008

There are some men who will insist that they desire to find a spouse but when they are actually invited to meet someone specific they get cold feet and say they are not ready yet. Some experts refer to this as "nuptial-phobia." Over the years I have scratched my head in perplexity regarding this behavior until I, as a man myself,  came to the realization that we men have two forces raging within us that are pulling us in opposite directions and these forces remain with is all of our lives.

Now for those  unfamiliar with the concept of "cold feet," the term is a metaphor used to characterize apprehension or doubt strong enough to prevent a planned course of action. It is used to describe the feeling when someone has lost all courage to do something. The feeling is quite common for both men and women when they decide they want to get married. But this month's column will concentrate on men.

As I stated in the opening paragraph, there are two forces at play within men which pull them in opposite directions. The first force is the desire for independence and freedom without any sense of obligation or commitment to anyone. Men driven by this force possess a desire to come and go as they like and resent having to be responsible to anyone else. Sadly, this force is becoming more predominant in today's society as people choose more and more to live a single life even when they have many opportunities to marry. The second force is the desire to enter into a loving and committed relationship and start a family as they get tired of living alone. Sometimes the former force takes over and sometimes the latter, even after the man finally does become married.

What is going on in a man's mind when he allows the desire for independence and freedom without any sense of obligation or commitment to anyone to take over his life? Why would one want to even take such a course of action? I personally feel that underneath the surface there is a deep seated fear, not only of commitment but also a fear of failure. There is a fear that he will be unable to live up to the obligations that married life will place upon him and thus he runs away so that he does not have to face these fears. These fears become more acute as he sees or reads about many broken marriages around him. But at the same time, especially as he gets older, he longs to be close to someone to share his life with on an intimate basis.

But there is something very particular this about type of fear of entering into a marriage bond which is not consistent with the rest of his personality. Fear does not hold back many of these same men  from performing many difficult tasks or facing a variety of life's challenges. They may actually excel in their chosen profession or other activities and exhibit above average self -confidence in almost everything they do. So why is it that in this one area this fear takes over?

My theory is that such men, in order to maintain their sense of masculinity and strength, will never come right out and say "I am afraid." What they will say, however, are things like "Oh, I cannot afford it right now," or "The right person has not yet come along," or "I just want to get a little more settled before I make a commitment," etc. The excuse they use to cover up their inner fears goes on and on and there are too many of them to list here. (Incidentally, I had 23 cents in the bank when I got married and I did just fine).

So, what must be done? My advice is to stop hiding behind your fears with all these ridiculous excuses and come right out and admit you are afraid of commitment. Every expert on this topic will insist that the only way to conquer your fears is to face them head on. You cannot move forward if you are afraid of doing something.  On the internet Google the term "facing your fears" and you will find many excellent articles regarding strategies you can adopt to overcome these inner fears. One website I visited asked readers experiencing "nuptial-phobia" to "Determine what exactly you are scared of. Most people don't fear marriage itself but rather, its implications and its potential failure. What are you worried will change? What's the worst possible scenario that's paralyzing your views on marriage?"  Also, you might want to discuss with one of your friends who is already in a successful marriage to tell you their marriage success secrets.

Always remember, there will never be a "perfect" spouse and, as in any relationship, marriage consists of up and down times but the over all satisfaction of being in a committed and loving relationship is well worth the effort you put into strengthening that relationship.

I will close with a famous quote from the French poet, writer and art critic Guillaume Apollinaire who wrote:  "Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew."

I am pushing you habibi because I know you too can fly.

As always, I appreciate your feedback and questions. Keep those letters coming in. I can be reached at: yahyaottawa@gmail.com