Half Your Deen

A monthly advice column for newly- weds on how to maintain marital bliss and success, by Yahya Abdul Rahman

Kindness To One's Spouce - July, 2008 (muslimlink.ca)

Recently my wife prepared us some Anjara (Somali pancakes) for breakfast. Now I love Anjara a lot, but on this particular morning my wife added walnuts to the recipe and I do not like any nuts in my food. I took one bite of the Anjara and knew for sure I would be unable to finish the rest. What was I to do? I apologized to my wife and told her that I could not eat the anjara and would have to eat something else. I did not get angry or upset with her but simply reminded her that I don't like nuts in the food I eat. She assured me that she was not upset in the least and even admitted that she did not like the recipe either.

I began my column with the above story to highlight a point. One can be kind and considerate with their spouce and yet still be open and honest about what's on their mind. It isn't necessary to raise one's voice and get angry when someone does something you don't like.

With this in mind I want to talk about kindness to one's spouce and, in particular, a husband's kindness to his wife. I believe strongly that nothing is more conducive to marital bliss than regular acts of kindness to one's spouse for it engenders good feelings in both the giver and the receiver.

Allah says in the Quran: "That man can have nothing but what he strives for." [Quran 53:39]. Real and honest effort is required to achieve anything of significance. This effort requires the willpower to refrain from anything that will sabotage one's goals. Our goal in this column is the achievement of marital bliss with one's spouce.

In the Quran, Allah admonishes husbands when dealing with their wives to "live with them on a footing of kindness and equity..." (Quran 4:19). Furthermore, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has stated that "The best of you are those who are the best to their women" (Al-Tirmidhi).

In the above Quranic verse, husbands have been given a direct command from their Creator to be kind to their wives and to treat them in a equitable fashion. And the Prophet (pbuh) has reiterated this command by stating that a Muslim's character is directly linked to the treatment of their wives. By logical extension, the worst of us, regardless of one's level of observance in other areas of their lives, are those who are not kind and considerate to their wives.

But, speaking as a husband, is it not true that we, as men, fall so far from the standard set up for us and are habitually less than kind to those whom we are obligated to be kind to? Is it not also true that many of us take our wives for granted, lose our patience with them, hurl abuses at them and then seek to justify our unkind behaviour afterwards? In addition, we present one face to the world of being good and considerate husbands, but the reality is something altogether different when we find out what takes place behind closed doors. We demand our "rights" from them and raise our voices, treat them like our own personal servants and consistently fail to consider their feelings? When this happens all warmth and affection between the couple dissipates and all that is left is bitterness and resentment.

Just a simple incident regarding how one's spouce prepared a particular dish can set many people off into an angry tirade. But a true Muslim, especially if his overall goal is marital bliss, will resist the urge to become angry and instead will consider the feelings of the preparer of the food and simply state that he does not prefer that particular dish. Sometimes, it may even be necessary- depending upon how much preparation was required - to eat the dish and say you really liked because in doing so you will consider the feelings of the person who went to so much trouble to make you happy.

So how can we be more kind to our wives and re-kindle the love and affection that was once there? Here are a few of my thoughts:

Ø When you treat your wife in an unkind way do you say it is her fault because she will not listen to you? Do you listen to her?

Ø When you treat your wife in an unkind way do you say it is her fault because she is not respecting your wishes? Did you marry a servant or another human being with their own hopes and aspirations? Do you ever respect her wishes?

Ø When you treat your wife in an unkind way do you say it is her fault because you feel she is not raising your children properly? What are you doing to contribute to your children's upbringing? Do you stay home with the children or are you an absent father?

Ø When you treat your wife in an unkind way do you say it is her fault because she does not keep herself looking nice for you? Do you ever compliment her or instead constantly put her down and negatively comment on her appearance?

Ø When you treat your wife in an unkind way do you say it is her fault because she does not keep the house looking good and continually failing to prepare the meals you like? What do you do to help her with these tasks? Why should these tasks only fall on her shoulders? Any person who can boil water or make toast can cook a chicken and prepare rice.

Ø When you treat your wife in an unkind way do you say it is her fault because she is not loving an affectionate but cold towards you? Are you loving and affectionate towards her? Do you expect her to be affectionate when you treat her in a harsh or demeaning way?

Here are a few concrete suggestions on how you can be more kind to your wife:

1) Take the time to listen to her frustrations and concerns, and not just talk about yourself.

2) When you see your wife struggling with some issue make every effort to offer her words of encouragement and let her know that you are there for her.

3) Take every opportunity to compliment her on her appearance and never comment negatively on her appearance. Everyone loves to get a compliment and she will do those things which we ensure she receives even more praise from you.

4) Try to see the good in your wife and not just concentrate on those aspects of her personality that you don't like.

5) Bring her home unexpected little gifts and tell her you do so because you love and appreciate her and all the effort she makes.

The prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is reported to have said that when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his deen (religion), so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half. Is it not sad that many of us go to great pains to fulfill the remaining half, yet treat the other half (ie married life) lightly and do not take the time to learn the obligations which are associated with married life? Being kind to our spouces is part of our obligations and putting this into practice demonstrates our commitment to our faith and will bring about both lasting and satisfying martial bliss.

As always, I appreciate your feedback and questions. I can be reached at: yahyaottawa@gmail.com