Lessons Learned On A Schoolyard Playground
Yahya Abdul Rahman
June 3, 2005 - In his book "The Devil's Dictionary," which is a collection of off-beat definitions of words we use on a daily basis, Ambrose Bierce mischievously and cynically defines the word "acquaintance" as: "A person whom we know well enough to borrow money from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous."
Sadly, this definition holds an element of truth in it. I want to concentrate, however, on the second part of Bierce's definition as it points out how we tend to deal or associate with people in our lives based on their perceived status. If the person is rich, famous or wields some kind of influence we will tend to define "acquaintance" as being an intimate friend whom we have ready access to. In doing so, we are sending out a signal to others that we are "somebody," that we are important and are worth listening to as we are associated with people with high status or influence. Surely, such people are desirable company and the closer we are perceived to be near them, the more our stature is raised in the eyes of the people. We are in essence defining ourselves in relation to how others see or perceive us. Note, we may not always do this consciously.
On the other-hand, if we are an aquaintance of someone who is either poor, not well known or wields little or no influence we tend to downplay our association with such a person. To be seen as being connected to such a person would surely diminish our own self-worth and how others see us.
Again, our "value" as a person is hinged upon how others perceive us. We want to be seen as being influential, looked up to and respected.
Such attitudes point to inward feelings of inadequacy or personal low self-esteem. We may be unaware of these feelings as they become buried in our unconscious minds. Our worth must always be affirmed by those around us and we feel we have no worth or intrinsic value apart from what others think of us.
I think many times these attitudes and feelings begin developing on the primary schoolyard playground where children are categorized or labeled by other children quite early according to their "desirability" or "value" as someone to be associated with. It is cruel and unfair, but a sad reality. I want to be seen with Jaleel or Sarah because of _____________, or I do not want to be seen with Gehan or Ahmed because of __________. We then find ourselves throughout life acting out what we learned on the school playground by seeking to attach ourselves to people who can either maintain our social status or raise it up even further. These values are also many times re-enforced by our parents and sometimes even our teachers as they too went through the same socialization process in their early childhoods.
Sometimes we can be rather intimate with a person who is otherwise considered to be of "lower social status" and "little influence," but when someone else comes along whom we consider to be of a higher status we dump our friend like a hot potato. The neglected and "dumped" person is left hurt and confused over how his allegedly good friend could treat him in such a way.This has happened in my life over and over again. I have been both the neglected and the neglector and the latter is not something of which I am proud, but ultimatley I was following the school playground condtioning. This same sequence repeats itself every single day and so many people are hurt and are left feeling abused.
We would most assuredly be more balanced and happy individuals if we could see ourselves of value and self-worth independent of what others think of us, but based rather on the mere fact that we are human-beings who are a special creation of God. It makes no difference what status we have in life or what kind of influence we may wield, our value is based on the fact that God has infused in each and everyone one of us the "breath of life" and that we are all His unique creations. In all the world, there has never been another like you nor will there ever be another like you again. Isn't that just amazing!
The Holy Quran reminds us in surat Al-Hujurat, (verse 13):
"O humankind! We have created you from a male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honorable of you in the sight of Allah is he who has most taqwa among of you. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware."
And the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) addressed the people signifying that concept during the last pilgrimage, saying: "O People! Your God is one; your father is one; no preference of an Arab neither over non-Arab nor of a non-Arab over an Arab or red over black or black over red except for the most righteous. Verily the most honored of you is the most righteous."
The next time you interact with an "aquaintace" pay no attention to the clothes the person is wearing, the person's social status or influence, but look upon that person as a soul which God has created and, like you, that person is special.